The Dating Game
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Ruby's Mini-Theater Presents: The Dating Game Hosted by the famous Lindblum actor, Lowell! Our contestant this week, searching for love is Tantalus's own; Blank! His mystery women to choose from: Beatrix, the mighty general of Alexandria. Lani, the most beautiful bounty hunter in the world (along with moogle enthusiast), and our surprise participant, Lady Hilda! (Won't the Regen
1. Chapter 1

Ruby's Mini-Theater Presents: The Dating Game

Hosted by the famous Lindblum actor, Lowell!

Our contestant this week, searching for love is Tantalus's own; Blank!

His mystery women to choose from: Beatrix, the mighty general of Alexandria. Lani, the most beautiful bounty hunter in the world (along with moogle enthusiast), and our surprise participant, Lady Hilda! (Won't the Regent be livid once word of this gets out!)

-0-0-

"Blank is on a dating game. Yes, you heard me right. His buddies at Tantalus have decided its unhealthy for him to forgo the dating scene, and since he refuses to get off his ass and ask someone out, they signed him up to be a contestant on a popular dating game. It's held live at the mini-theater in Alexandria, hosted by none other than the famous actor, Lowell!" Lowell bowed to his audience, before temporarily handing over the hosting to Zidane.

"The female contestants he has to choose from are as follows: The noble, powerful, yet lonely general, Beatrix. (Blasphemy!) Steiner, sit down before Marcus and Cinna escort you outta here. (Bastards!) uh huh, as I was saying..."

"Our next contestant is a woman who's went through a sort of rehab, living with moogles for the past year to find herself. I give you the former 'most beautiful bounty hunter in the world', Lani! (Zidane, I'm still the most beautiful bounty hunter ever, use the word former again and I'll cut your f $king tail off)"

"Duly noted! And last but not least, we have our final contestant, Hilda! Wait!...Who wrote this card? Hilda's married to the Regent! (Separated, Cid's been playing hide the sausage with the hired help)"

Awkward silence from Zidane and the crowd. (I'm not calling Blank daddy!) Eiko yelled, somewhat easing the tension.

(Don't worry, I wouldn't want you to, dear) Hilda assured her daughter before taking a seat on the stage.

Three women were sitting on the left side of the stage, the middle had a curtain separating the right from the left, keeping the ladies hidden for when Blank walked out. He was in a different room, having no clue as to who his mystery women were.

"We've taken precautions to help maintain a mysterious air to this game. Each lady will answer a question speaking through a voice changing device, made out of a conch shell. Blank will have no clue who he's picking till the very end! Who's ready for our bachelor to come on out?"

The audience roared with applause, as Zidane gave the signal for Lowell to take over his hosting duty.

Lowell was leading out Blank, shoving the red head down into a chair before turning to smile at his audience.

"Hello Alexandria! Are you ready to start this weeks dating game?"

Applause

"Alright, Blank. You have three lovely ladies on the other side of this curtain. Tell us, what are some important questions you'd like to ask them?"

"Zidane, Marcus, Cinna, when this is over with, you guys are dead meat!" Blank threatened, crossing his arms and frowning at the host and audience.

"Now now, you're off topic. What questions do you have for these excited ladies?" Lowell urged, as Blank sighed wearily.

"Can they fight? I'm not dating a chick just because she's hot, she's gotta be tough enough to go the places I go. I'm not dating a bimbo. I've learned that lesson," he gazed over at Ruby who flipped him the bird.

"Ahem. Alright ladies." Lowell moved away from Blank to focus on the three women. He was handed the voice changing device as he began to fraise Blanks question differently.

"Are you able to fight monsters when traveling to adventure somewhere new? If so, your weapon of choice?" Lowell positioned his conch shell in front of Beatrix first.

(Deep sounding voice) "I'm a skilled fighter, that can handle any battle. Beasts and men fear my attack. My weapon of choice, is my sword." She answered simply, as Lowell went onto the next woman, Lani .

(High pitched voice) "F&amp;$k yeah I can rumble, kicking ass is what I'm all about. Instead of worrying about me slowing you down, I'd be the other way around, _boy_." People clapped and cheered her cocky reply. Zidane made a signal to let Lowell know they should skip the weapon part. Blank didn't need hints, and Lani's weapon was an easy one to spot in description.

"Alright, last but not least, our third contestant." Lowell bowed to the lady before placing the conch close to her lips.

(Husky, male voice) "I wouldn't say that I enjoy battling, but if put in that position, I am more than capable of handling myself, using magic to weaken my foes."

"Your conch is weird..." Blank commented as Lowell walked back over to him.

"Yes, well, it's all apart of the performance." Lowell chuckled lightly, making fan girls cry out in awe of his talented voice.

"So, which answer suited you best? Number one, two, or three?" Lowell inquired.

"Two was overly confident. Three is a magic user, so out of all I'd say one made me the least annoyed." He commented.

"Alright, one point for number one!" Lowell clapped, bringing the audience to follow by example. "Now, onto the next question." Zidane reached up and handed Lowell a card.

"Apparently, your friends aren't liking your questions, and have chosen a few of their own on your behalf." He informed the moody looking Blank.

"So help me, if you guys put anything mushy on there!" Blank growled, making the audience laugh.

"Question number two, out of the three of you, who has the biggest...,Zidane, I'm not reading this trash!" Lowell pouted, stomping one foot in frustration.

"Fine, I will!" Zidane swung up on stage, taking over hosting duty. "Our Bro Blank has a bit of a fetish. He likes his girls big in the bust, and we'd like to know who out of you here, has the largest boobs." Zidane watched as the women started eyeing one another, analyzing each others figure the way only women could do.

"I know!" Zidane went to the side of the stage and ripped off Marcus's bandanna.

"I'll give it back!" Zidane promised, hustling over to tie the cloth around Blanks already sort of shielded vision.

"What the hell are you doing?" Blank grumpily questioned.

"Just stand up already and let me do you a favor." Zidane insisted, informing the women to stand as well.

"There's only one true way to figure out who's got the fuller figure, and that's by using our bachelor!" Zidane chuckled, moving Blank to stand in front of Beatrix.

"Remember, you all signed a waiver, no backing out." The host reminded all the women, who sighed in annoyance.

"Alright buddy, this is bachelorette number one." Zidane helped lift up Blanks arm, guiding it forward until his gloved hand landed on its mark.

(I'll kill him!) Steiner growled in the audience, Baku and one of his men hauled out the knight before he could cause a bigger scene.

Beatrix was tilting her head down, gazing at the floor to hide her shame as the shaky handed Blank felt her right boob.

"Alright, number two!" Zidane glided Blank over to the right, positioning him in front of the bounty hunter, Lani. She smirked as she watched his hand start to reach.

"Go big or go home!" She yelled before flashing the whole audience, Blank the only one unaware till his gloved hand touched her boob, his fingers feeling hardened nipple.

"Zidane, you look at her boobs and I'm kicking your butt out of the castle!" Garnet warned, making Zidane turn his head in fear.

"Alright, number three." He hurriedly moved Blank over to Hilda, who was still awestruck at Lani's behavior.

Blanks hand reached out, cupping the Regents wife's boob carefully. With her attention distracted, she let a moan escape her lips as she felt his hand touch her. Everyone grew very quiet as Blank massaged her boob, smiling amusedly as Hilda continued to moan.

"Alright, I think that's had enough..." Zidane coughed, moving Blank back to his seat,

removing the bandanna from his head.

"So, did you decide who's the biggest?" Zidane asked, as Marcus ran on stage to whisk his bandana back, his balding head making everyone laugh as he cursed Zidane.

"Two had great ones, but the way three responded, I choose her's over the rest." He smirked, fondly remembering that sultry moan.

"Alright, one point to number three! Meaning that number one and three are tied, while two is still at zero." Zidane looked over at the women, noticing Hilda was blushing deeply. Lani was pouting, her arms crossed as her mouth mumbled obscenities. Beatrix held a neutral face, ever the fearless warrior woman.

"Question number 3, what is your view on S&amp;M, and would you be willing to partake in it with bachelor?" Zidane read the card, looking off stage and frowning.

"Which one of you perverts wrote this one?" He asked, Cinna and Marcus pointing at each other accusingly.

"Ladies, your answers please." Zidane sighed, walking over with the conch, even though Lani's voice had already been heard. Blank acted as if he still didn't know her identity, so they'd continue using the conch.

(Beatrix with a gravelly, old woman voice)"I've experienced some S&amp;M things, and was disappointed with my previous partners enthusiasm. With the right partner, I'd give it another chance." She was met with gasps of shock, the audience never suspecting their general of such...interesting bed play.

"Number two." Zidane placed the conch in front of Lani.

(Goofy, moogle sounding voice)"The F&amp;$k is S&amp;M? I've lived with moogles for over a _year_, how the hell should I know what fad your yammering about?!" Lani was fuming, feeling at a disadvantage. Zidane bent down close to her ear, and whispered what it was all about.

"I'm kinky, but not that kinky." She shook her head, disinterested in that type of bedroom interaction.

"Alright, number three?" Zidane moved along, placing the conch in front of Hilda.

(Mechanical sounding voice) "I've heard of this fad, and to be honest, I'd try it just to piss off my former beloved." She chuckled, everyone within the audience held an uncertain look, uneasy due to Hilda's abrupt and sudden separation from Regent Cid.

"Alrighty then, Blank, can you tell us the winner so we can move onto a better question?" Zidane urged his friend, walking up to the red head, waiting for an answer.

"Well, one and three both sound like they've had lousy ex's, and I can relate with that." (Screw you Blank!) Ruby yelled from the crowd.

"Two had no clue, which isn't attractive. So out of one and three..." Blank paused, the audience leaning forward in anticipation.

"I'd have to choose..."

-0-0-

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 9 belongs to Square Enix.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Dating Game**

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX belongs to Square Enix.

The audience was leaning in, anticipating the bachelor's answer.

"Number one." Blank finally spoke, the crowd cheering excitedly for the confidently smirking Beatrix.

"Alright, contestant number one has two points, leading the group, bachelorette number three is in second place with one point, and lady number two is last with zero. It's still anybody's game, there are plenty of questions to run through still!" Zidane winked towards the crowd, enjoying his hosting duty as he flipped to a new question on a card.

"What would your ideal date be like with our bachelor?" Zidane asked of the female contestants, starting with Hilda to mix things up a bit, placing the magic conch in front of her lips.

(In Regent Cid's voice) "Goodness me, it's been so long since I've been on a date. I suppose I'd enjoy something spontaneous, I'm rather tired of the dinner and dancing routine. This lady would like to walk on the wild side a little, maybe go skinny dipping in the lake behind Alexandria castle, or perhaps get a sexy tattoo in a place that's mostly concealed. That sort of thing." Hilda grinned at seeing Zidane blush, amused also with the irony of having spoken using her ex's voice.

"Alright, that was..._unexpected_. Contestant number two, how about you?" Zidane held the conch next to Lani.

(In Baku's voice)

"Dating, huh? I'm personally use to the get plaster then screw ya scene. I haven't really thought about what type a thing could be fun...Maybe a night of fishing, drinking whiskey while we bullshit and cast our lines. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch more than just fish while we're out there." She was smirking, a look of naughtiness on her tanned face as Zidane tried his damnedest not to stare at her cleavage.

"That shit just creeped me the Hell out!" Blank complained, the conch's imitation of the bosses voice was uncanny, and made the girls answer odd to listen to, the red head picturing his boss and leader talking to him in that way.

"Oh get over it, ya pansy!" Zidane chided his friend before moving onto Beatrix.

"Number one, your answer please."

(In Steiners voice)

"I enjoy training, perhaps a night filled with battle then afterwords wine and soothing music next to a roaring fire and a comfortable satin sheeted bed." The general chuckled after speaking, finding the conches magic hilarious while Blanks face was deeply frowning.

"For crying out loud, Zidane! How the Hell am I suppose to get a boner when I'm hearing F$&amp;king Steiners voice talking naughty? It's a problem, I think we should junk the conch." Blank expressed his feelings, the audience booing, apparently they had thought the conch a funny tool used during the game.

"I hear what you're saying, it's hard to think of them as women when all you're hearing are 'dudes'." Zidane walked over and handed Marcus the conch momentarily.

"For now, which girls answer made ya the happiest? Cinnas gonna look around and find some small chalkboards and chalk, then I can just read their answer to ya." Zidane obliged his friend, waiting patiently for an answer.

"Well, to be honest, I was kinda more impressed with number three. Sure she sounded like Cid, but her answers were actually pretty cool. She sounds like a girl I could really hang out with." Blank spoke, the audience chuckled at this, thinking it funny that the Regents former wife sounded interesting to the Tantalus member.

"I'm gonna have to go with her." Blank decided, the crowd cheering at the news.

Cinna came on stage and started handing out little chalk boards and chalk to the ladies. Zidane waited until everyone was ready before asking the next question.

"Our friend Blank may seem like a player, but really he's not as experienced as you'd think."

"Hey!" Blank yelled, glaring at his grinning monkey tailed '_friend_'.

"So we'd like to ask this simple question. If you started dating, and it was your first time having _relations_ with our bachelor, what position would you start with, knowing his lack of experience?"

"Zidane, I'm gonna _kill_ you!" Blank screamed, Marcus and Cinna popping from behind the stage and holding down the enraged red head.

"Ladies, your answers please?" Zidane ignored Blanks cursing and groaning as the women began to write down their answers.

Beatrix held up her chalkboard first, the words "missionary style" written, which Zidane spoke out loud for Blank to hear.

Next, Lady Hilda shared her written reply, "doggy style" written on the board, Zidane telling Blank that number three had written that answer.

Last, but certainly not least, Lani stood from her chair and showed her very detailed chalk drawing of a man and woman, both facing head to genitals. Zidane started laughing, reaching out and taking the drawing, showing it to the held down Blank.

"Which one drew that again?" Blank asked, his mouth hanging open as he stared fixedly at the image.

"Number two," Zidane answered.

"Number two, you get one point for picking that position, and another point for drawing it so well!" Blank granted the once Zero scored Lani more points for her creative nature.

"We're tied now!" Zidane jumped up and down, giddy as a school girl as he raced back to hand the gleeful looking Lani her perverted chalkboard.

"Garnet, why was that mans face drawn over the ladies stinky?" Eiko was heard questioning the pink faced queen.

"Eiko, forget you ever saw that drawing!" Garnet advised her fellow summoner, not about to talk about sex with a nine year old.

"Okay, final question, and it's a big one. How many '_partners_' have you had?" Zidane used the word partners, knowing that in Alexandria it was common for the women to be...curious. Sometimes dating both a man and woman at the same time. Blank may talk a big game, but deep down Zidane knew his friend liked his women with "low miles" on them. Not many people knew it, but Blank wasn't a fan of women who'd slept around a lot. His own amount of sexual partners was essentially only Ruby, though that information stayed between Blank and Zidane only. It sounded macho when a guy claimed more than he had really done before.

"Ladies, your answers please." Zidane watched as Lani flipped hers over first, the crowed gasping at her answer.

"Is that...is that true?" Zidane asked, looking at the high number with wide, unbelieving eyes.

She flipped it back over, scribbling down words before showing it again. "Teenager, young, slutty." He read, "Ah, gotcha. Blank are you ready to hear number twos amount of past partners?"

Blank shrugged, thinking to himself how bad could it possibly have been.

"62."

"You're joking. What, did you throw a girl from _Treno_ on the show?" Blank joked, still not really believing the gal's answer.

Beatrix flipped her chalkboard over next, Zidane reading it and grinning. She had been specific with hers, writing down a men side and a women side.

"Alright, number one is ready to share. She has had two men partners, and six women partners. With a grand total of eight people."

"Whoa! Number ones got _scissoring_ under her belt?! Holy crap!" Blank exclaimed, hard to say if he was impressed or horrified, since you couldn't really see his eyes to gauge his expression.

"Number three, we're waiting." Zidane urged, the lady blushed, seeming embarrassed but not over what Zidane had assumed. She flipped the board and for a moment, the blonde thief was speechless.

"Are you being honest?" He finally asked her, to which the lady sighed and nodded her head in yes.

"Stayed true to an ass hole" she wrote underneath her number.

"Well, how many has she had?" Blank asked, ready to hear how bad this one was.

"Contestant number three, wrote down 1." Zidane answered, taking the lady's board and showing it to Blank.

The red head was very quiet, silently reading her note underneath the single number.

"Well Blank, times catching up to us, who are you going to pick?" Zidane hurried his friend, their game show was coming quickly to a close.

"Three." Blank spoke the word quietly, the crowd gasping at his decision.

"You know what that means, don't you? Your final answer is the girl you've chosen over the other two. No going back." Zidane reminded him, feeling the other had picked a poor choice in companionship.

"I'm sticking with my guts on this one." Blank insisted, Zidane went to the girls side of the curtain, helping the Lady stand.

"Blank? Your date that you've chosen, is..." He lead out the blonde noblewoman, to the utterly surprised looking red head. "Lady Hilda!"

The crowd clapped and cheered as both Hilda and Blank began to blush, eyeing each other somewhat bashful.

"Wow, I've never dated a married woman before." Blank awkwardly remarked.

"Separated. Don't worry, my marriage is completely abandoned, I'm quite capable of dating whoever I damn well like." Hilda grinned, looking the young man up and down curiously. "Tell me, what do I have to do to see what your eyes look like?" She teased lightly.

"I don't let anyone see them, it's easier that way." He shrugged, feeling a bit uneasy with everyone watching them talk. "Would you like to go on our date right now, find a place a little less...crowded?" He asked, picturing her idea about skinny dipping and wondering just how that regal woman looked without all that glamorous attire on.

"Eiko, you're staying with Garnet tonight, alright sweetie?" Hilda called over towards her seated daughter.

"Just don't do what was on that drawing, it looks really yucky mom!" Eiko hollered back, making everyone chuckle at her innocence.

"Right you are, Darling!" Hilda winked to her child before taking Blanks arm and walking off the stage with him. What kind of Hell could the couple raise inside Alexandria's city limits? They were going to find out!

As the couple walked off, Beatrix and Lani started chit chatting, walking off the stage together, speaking of men and their stupidity. Both agreeing to hit the nearest pub and drink away their miffed feelings.

"Next week, we have a special guest on our show, an old spinster from Treno, who use to obsess over coins, collecting them until she had ever last one. Now the lady's looking for love, and I told her just the place to find it at, here on our show! Come and see what older bachelors we have picked out for our corky Bachelorette!" Zidane informed the slowly dispersing crowd, Lowell made his way on the stage and marched up to the blonde guy.

"Next week, I'm hosting the _entire show_, Zidane! No crude questions on the cards and no weird special surprise contestants like we had tonight!" Lowell whined, his slender arms crossing as he pouted at the other.

"Fine, fine. But if things get boring, I'm rescuing the show before anybody leaves!" Zidane compromised, the actor reluctantly agreed, mumbling about how we never once was pushed off stage back in Lindblum.

"Zidane, are you ready to go? Eiko's staying at the castle with us tonight." Garnet walked up to her boyfriend, Eiko right beside her asking about a million different questions at a speed where no one could even understand her.

"Great, I get Blank a date and wind up baby sitting because of it. How come I always get the short end of the stick?" He teasingly complained.

"I wouldn't say that, this game has given me certain..._ideas_. Ideas I'm willing to _try_ once Eiko gets settled in for the night." Garnet gave a playful smile, walking past his wide eyed, open mouthed face towards the mini theaters exit.

"_Score_!" He could be heard cheering behind them as the summoners began to leave the theater.

"What's he so excited about?" Eiko asked Garnet.

"Zidane's just happy to have you over for the evening, you know how much he likes playing tea party and dress up with you." Garnet joked, but Eiko had taken her seriously, picturing the blonde boy wearing a boa and a fancy hat, sipping pretend tea with her and a bunch of stuffed animals.

"_Awesome_!" Eiko exclaimed, ready for a fun night playing tea party with Zidane, oblivious to the adults other plans for that evening. . .

-0-0-

A/N: Who wants to know what kind of date Hilda and Blank would go on? Also, I'm serious about writing another dating game chapter with old bachelors on the show like Baku and maybe Steiner since Beatrix isn't interested in him anymore. Thoughts, opinions? Let me know! Thanks for reading!


End file.
